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Must Love Dogs Or Gone To The Dogs? By Debbie Starr The dating/relationship business is a multi-billion dollar industry and it just keeps growing. From the early days of face-to-face dating services to the more modern reality shows that follow singles on their dating adventures and misadventures, everywhere you turn dating and relationships are what everyone is talking about. Numerous authors, TV talk-show hosts (just check out Oprah or Dr. Phil), and even the film industry are capitalizing on these discussions. The latest in this series, the movie Must Love Dogs, even has people checking out Internet dating. Why is there such universal interest? We all want to meet the “perfect” one, our soul mate, and our life partner. We all want the perfect relationship. We just know that if we can find the perfect mate our lives will be wonderful and we will be fulfilled. Recently, this has become the running theme in my life and my coaching practice. Friends, clients, and even my children are looking for answers about how to date or have a meaningful relationship. Most are tired of playing the game—they want to know how to win and they want to know NOW! Typical Perspectives on Relationships: It seems that everyone has a story or has found him- or herself in a particular situation as a result of trying to establish the perfect relationship. Based on these experiences, or sometimes in spite of these experiences, most people take one of the following five perspectives about relationships: 1. It Just Feels So Right – Some people have become aware of red flags they’ve overlooked in the past and made a list so they won’t make those mistakes again. Unfortunately, as soon as they meet the next person, they toss their list out because “it just feels so right” to be with that person. That is, these people use their feelings to judge whether this is the right relationship. They get so caught up in the initial "honeymoon" phase of the relationship, that they stop paying attention to red flags or obvious problems in the relationship. By the time the red flags are slapping them in the face, they've developed feelings for the person and their feelings control them and their decisions. As an example, consider Elaine. In the past, she was married to a man who did not care at all about her children. He made them feel unwelcome, resented, and fearful to live in their own home. This situation had caused Elaine and her children a great deal of pain. For the past two months, Elaine has been dating a new man. One day, during lunch with friends, she makes the following statements, all in the same conversation. “His birthday is coming up, but I don’t know him well enough to figure out what to get him.” “I’m not sure he knows how many children I have, but I’m sure he doesn’t know any of their names or ages.” “Oh, but when he holds me in his arms, it just feels so right!” “I’ve never felt so connected to anyone”. Elaine doesn’t even notice how conflicting her statements are. She is in danger of stepping into the same situation that caused heartaches in her past relationship because she is basing her new relationship on how it feels. 2. Fort Knox – Some people have made their list of “must haves” and “can’t stands,” and they are committed to their list. The problem is that their list is harder to infiltrate than Fort Knox. John is a great example of this. John joined a well-known national dating service in January who set him up on blind dates for lunch or dinner. John had six dates in six weeks, and thanks to his trusty list, none of them were worthy of a second date or even for him to ask for their phone number. Gee! Doesn't John sound like he's a lot of fun and open to meeting new people? The truth is that last November John had ended a long-term relationship feeling very hurt and betrayed. So although John said he was ready to date and went thru the motions, he had created his list in a way that made sure that no one was going to hurt him again (at least not anytime soon). He was allowing his fear and pain to control how he was creating new relationships in his life. 3. Fate Worse Then Death – These people don’t have a clue what their “must haves” or “can’t stands” are, and they’ve never heard of a red flag. They just know that being alone is a “fate worse then death”. I once met a woman named Joan who had joined five internet dating services at the same time, was emailing more then 200 men, and had given her home phone number out to more then 50 men. She was going alone to meet total strangers for a "date" because they seemed nice online. Most of these "dates" were late at night, occurred in areas of town where it was not safe for her to go alone, and no one knew where she was going. Sometimes she would give out her home address and allow these strangers to pick her up at her home. I, and several of her friends, encouraged her to stop, and although she realized this was dangerous behavior, she wouldn’t. Why was she unwilling to stop this behavior, even after acknowledging that it was very dangerous? It seems to have stemmed from the time when she was five-years-old and her father died. Her mother was an alcoholic who would regularly go on 2-3 day binges leaving her children home alone with little or no food. The terror she felt as a small child, abandoned and hungry, never went away. So at the age of 30, with a great job and financial security, she was still desperate to find someone to fill those needs and make the terror go away. 4. The Chameleon – Some people spend all their time and energy re-creating themselves over and over and over again, hoping to attract or keep the “perfect one.” Consider Susan, in the last 15 months she has had three significant relationships, and during that time, she has become three different women. Actually, Susan has personified four different women: the woman she was when she was dating each man and the woman she was in between relationships. Others find her unsettling. They feel unsafe around her because they never know what is real. Susan explains her behavior by suggesting that she is trying to model what she believes her current partner would like her to be. She wants to make him feel more comfortable and accepting of her. Yet, every relationship has ended with her being angry and feeling betrayed because "she became everything he wanted and he didn't appreciate it." Why does Susan continue to try and please people by becoming someone she is not? Because Susan has bought into the belief that she alone is responsible for making a relationship work, and that who she really is will never make it work. You see, Susan was abused as a child and was in a violent marriage for years. She spent most of her childhood and adult life trying to appease an abuser—trying to be a good enough little girl or wife to avoid being terrorized or hurt. All the while, her abusers were telling her that their behavior was her fault—what she said or what she did caused them to mistreat her. In her mind, being herself is a sure guarantee to be abused and hurt. 5. Maybe If I’m Lucky – Some people believe that “maybe, if I’m lucky ... she’ll like me... he’ll ask for my number... he’ll see my inner beauty...she’ll think I’m funny and charming...he’ll notice me... she’ll talk to me.” They approach every date and introduction as a test that they need to pass. They don’t have any choices or power—it’s all up to the approval and acceptance of the other person. Their dating life and relationships are being run by their fears, their needs, their hurts, their past experiences, what they want, the desire to be accepted, how they want a partner to make them feel, and what is missing in their lives. However, by focusing on their fears, their pain, their need to be accepted, what’s missing, and what went wrong before, they only end up getting more fear, pain, rejection, and something going wrong again. One consistent trait among all of the typical relationship perspectives presented is that they focus on the “others” in current and past relationships—how others make you feel, how others have treated (or mistreated) you in the past, what others can provide for you, how others want you to behave. People who seek relationships based only on what the other person in the relationship can be and give are bound to be disappointed. If the “others” perspective doesn’t work, what does? Some New Perspectives on Relationships: Because most of my clients use the “others” perspective, they are frequently stumped when I ask them, “What do you want to give to a partner, to a relationship?” “What do you want to create in, and for a relationship?” “How do you want to be and feel, no matter what?” I ask them to forget about their requirements of a partner, just take them out of the equation for now, and to set aside their needs, fears, insecurities, and hurt so that they can entertain a set of new perspectives. We might call these the “I” perspectives. Givers Gain – Using this perspective, individuals answer the question, “What do I want to be able to give to my partner and relationship with total and complete freedom and acceptance?” Assuming that the sky’s the limit, you can give anything you desire, and you have complete control, how would you want to give and express your love fully, with no holding back? Will you be the protector? Are you the amazing lover? Do you have the ability to put others at ease and make them feel accepted? Is there an adventurer in you who is longing for a great quest? Or, is there a comedian in you who can make anyone laugh at any time? Perhaps, you are a healer whose kisses and hugs can cure anything, or you are the smooth and graceful dancer who spins and dips his partner. Master Magician – Using this perspective, individuals answer the question, “What do I want to create in and for the relationship?” Assuming you have the power and ability to create absolutely anything that you desire, what do you want to create? Would you create a safe space, where you are free to explore? Would you create a place of love and acceptance? Is your place fun, providing a place to play, or is it a place of quiet and rest? Perhaps, you will create a passionate and romantic space, or a place to pray and worship. Would you create a place where family and friends are always welcomed, a space that is inviting, radiating comfort and ease? Would you create a place that demands integrity and respect? It’s All About Me – Using this perspective, individuals answer the question, “How do I want to be and feel, no matter what?” Considering all the things you’ve ever wanted to be and currently are and all the feelings you’ve desired and experienced, how do you need to be and feel to be completely fulfilled? Do you need to feel the power of being confident and secure? Do you need to be strong to face challenges? Do you need to feel the freedom of loving with your whole being? Do you need to feel the fun of a comedian? Do you need to be respected as a person of integrity? Do you need to feel the peace of being open and accepting of others? Do you need to feel excitement as you play? Do you need to be loving, reaching out to others? Do you need to feel the tears of happiness? Do you need to feel beauty and grace as you see with your heart? Imagine living in Givers Gain as the Master Magician because It’s All About You! Wouldn’t that be amazing? By choosing to live from passion and desire, you would discover the power that lies in you—power to have complete freedom and to create whatever you desire. How would this transform your life? How would all of the relationships in your life change? Wouldn’t it be freeing to realize that you don’t have to wait for the “perfect one” to show up to be fulfilled? I can still remember how excited I became as God was opening my eyes to this new concept in dating and relationships. All of the pressure I had felt around dating and forming healthy relationships was gone. I felt free and powerful—and it was great! Now, I just had to put my beliefs in action. But, how do you give everything you desire, create a space/energy for a relationship, and be all that you need to be fulfilled without some input or action from a partner? Easy, you depend on the “law of attraction”—like will attract like. You just have to own all of the qualities you have claimed in each perspective and then watch for what they attract. Recently, a perfect occasion arose for me to try out this new way of living. I was going on vacation with my two daughters. They are 20- and 22-years-old and haven’t lived with me since I moved to Alabama last year. Although I’d seen them every other month for the last year, this would be the first time we would all three be together, alone for a week. I was so excited and worried. I spent a lot of time thinking and praying about the trip. To be honest, the last time all three of us lived under the same roof it was not always pleasant. Sometimes it was downright tense and ugly. So this time together was very important for us. With that in mind, I began to focus on what I wanted to create and who I wanted to be with them. I knew that I wanted to create a memory filled with love for them. I wanted to create a fun, safe, and easy space. I wanted to be loving, accepting, confident, and curious. I wanted to give them love, guidance, and self-respect. I wanted to stand in my faith and set an example for them. More importantly, not once did I worry about what I wanted from them or feel the need to list what they must or must not do. All I focused on was me and what I would give, create, and be. How did the vacation turn out? Awesome!! We had more fun and got along better then we had in years. We laughed, played, and loved each other. As I realized that I could create all my relationships just like the one formed with my daughters on our vacation, I became sold on this approach. Are you still having doubts about trying these perspectives with the relationships in your life? Are you worried that you won’t be able to do it? Let me encourage you. It really is easy. It’s all about standing in your truth, strength, and love. We have the perfect example in Jesus Christ. He didn’t let fear of rejection, or the need for approval, stop him from addressing the Pharisees. When speaking to the woman at the well or running out the moneychangers at the temple, He didn’t worry about receiving the appropriate respect or adoration. When He washed the disciples’ feet and when His mother asked him to turn water into wine, He was gracious and generous. He was bold and encouraged others to face challenges, instructing Peter to step out of the boat in total faith. He was patient and kind, welcoming children, the poor, and the rejected. He was forgiving and unselfish, sacrificing Himself on the cross. He didn’t walk around demanding what He wanted and needed. He gave His life for us, giving us salvation, and He sent the Holy Spirit to live in us, giving us His power. He gave us truth, power, and love—all the tools we need for creating healthy and fulfilling relationships. So, I challenge you to try out these new perspectives and see what happens. Transform your life and create the relationship of your dreams! What is a Life Coach? And What is She Doing In The Middle Of The Woods? By Debbie Starr “What is a life coach?” and “What are you doing in the middle of the woods?” are two questions I get asked daily. Last June, I moved from New Orleans, Louisiana to Pell City, Alabama. WHY? That April I stumbled across a log cabin in the middle of the woods, fell in love with it, and bought it. All in the course of 2 days! Then I went home, told my family, sold my house, and 60 days later I sat in an empty house, in the middle of the woods with my cats and dog. With no kids (they are in college in New Orleans), no friends, and no furniture (I was feeling very unsure of the directions I had given the moving van); I had to wonder if I was making the right decision. Adding to the uncertainty was the fact that I had just left a very lucrative career as a nurse consultant to attorneys to launch a new venture as a life coach! How does a rational, successful, 44 year old woman change her entire life, step away from her fears, and begin to live the life God created her for -- the life of her dreams? EASY - a lot of prayer, tremendous direction from God, and an awesome tool called COACHING!! Around my 40th birthday, I began to have this ache inside for something more. I knew that God had created me for a purpose and had a plan for my life. I also knew that I was not living God’s plan, and I knew that the ache I was feeling was God drawing me to Him. I began to realize that I didn’t want to waste any more time living a life that was any less then the life God had created for me. The problem was that I didn’t know what His plan was! This desire and ache is what led me to my first coaching workshop. I had no idea what coaching was, but the workshop promised to help me discover my soul mission. This sounded like a step in the right direction! The workshop started with us being told to introduce ourselves by sharing a dream -- a far-reaching, “if you can have anything you want,” dream. Before I could even think about it, I said, “My dream is for my job not to control where I live. The house of my dreams is in the middle of the woods.” I was shocked to hear the words come out of my mouth, but the journey had begun! I didn’t come up with a soul mission during that first workshop, but I did walk away knowing my life had changed. I knew that I would no longer settle for anything less then to live the life God had created for me. Over the next 2½ years, I went to coaching workshops and completed training to be a coach. I discovered my purpose statement, which was “to be a vessel for God to show his amazing love”. Through coaching I looked, questioned, and played with all the perspectives of my life. I prayed, searched, studied, and discovered my values. I learned to stand strong in my values, to build faith, and to gain peace, based on an understanding that God is always in control. I learned that when I showed up and trusted God, amazing things happened and lives changed. Now here I am, living the dream! So what is life coaching and how can it help you discover the purpose God created you for? How can coaching help you walk away from your fears and live a life of fulfillment and peace? How does coaching work? Why should you hire a life coach? Life coaching helps you discover God’s purpose for your life and take action to fulfill that purpose. Life coaching is all about action and forward motion. We all have dreams. We like to talk about our dreams and imagine how great our life will be when our dreams come true. Unfortunately, the only action most dreams get is being talked about! Without action and forward motion, dreams become regrets. I believe that God gives us dreams and desires to pull us to the purpose He has for our life. A life coach assists you in looking at your dreams and desires. He or she will help you identify the actions you need to take to start making your dreams come true. A life coach becomes a partner who challenges you to take action and holds you accountable to the actions you select. Life coaching helps you overcome your fears so that you can realize your full potential in Christ. Life coaching is about fulfilling longings (what you ache for), realizing those burning desires, and creating passion. Your life coach helps you identify what you are willing to risk or to be with to live to your fullest potential. Often we must learn to be with our fears to achieve our dreams or risk what we cherish most to achieve what we desire most. What you can’t be with limits and controls you, and what you can’t lose holds your back. A life coach will assist you in identifying your fears and how they control you. Your coach will walk with you as you experience the depth of your fears and will celebrate with you as you embrace and learn to overcome your fears. Life coaching helps you learn from your failures. Life coaching is about stepping out there and taking a risk, jumping off of a cliff! Sometimes in this process we fail, but at the same time we always have the potential to recover. As one of my favorite coaches, Rick Tamlyn, says, “RECOVER, RECOVER, RECOVER”. Your coach will stand beside you during your failures and support you as you recover. Your coach will ask questions, point, and probe to help you see the learning in your failures. Life coaching provides alternative perspectives for viewing your life. Life coaching is about taking a different perspective. Your perspective determines how you view the world and your life – it becomes your reality. Most of us have collected so much evidence for our perspectives that we can’t see the world, or our lives, from any other viewpoint. Your coach will offer different, and sometimes uncomfortable, perspectives for you to try out. Taking new and different perspectives can cause a shift in the way you think and see things. As your perspective changes, so does your reality AND YOUR LIFE! I could continue listing reasons why you would want to hire a life coach; the list of benefits goes on and on. But honestly, the best way to find out about coaching is to experience it. Most coaches offer free sample sessions. Sign up for a few free sessions until you find a coach that meets your needs and with whom you feel comfortable. After only one or two sessions you will discover for yourself the amazing tool that coaching can be in your life. Why do I want you to try coaching? I believe that as you discover the life God created you for and begin to live out that life with passion and purpose, YOU CHANGE THE WORLD! And I hunger to live in a world where God’s purpose is being lived and fulfilled.